My "Perfect" Life

I like to pretend that I have everything under control and that my life is smooth and perfect, but after a day like yesterday, reality gives me a big slap in the face and I realize that I have a long ways to go and my life is more insanity than perfection. It didn't start out so bad - got the girls of to school relatively smoothly, the boys were dressed before 10, got some laundry sorted and started washing, dishes done, sharing time planned and I even had time to give David a haircut. We also spent some time just hanging out and playing some video games with the boys before he headed off to work. The chaos broke out just as I was in the middle of cooking dinner. I thought I would be really organized and make a great home-cooked meal that was one of my favorites growing up - sweet and sour pork (not the red sauce kind, but a soy sauce and vinegar based). It is relatively easy to make, and can be done in about an hour, but tastes like it took a long time to put together. I had dropped Maddie off at her cousin's house, Luke, Caleb and Haylee were playing outside. I made a quick run to the store and picked Maddie up and when I had gotten home Caleb had fallen asleep. Of course, when Caleb woke up, he wasn't in the best of moods and wanted me to hold him, but I needed to get dinner done. So, amid his crying, I'm trying to cook rice, thicken my sauce, and set the table. Dinner went okay, but Caleb thought he needed to sit on my lap through the whole thing - the problem is that I have been having sciatic problems for a month now and can't sit at the table to eat - if I have a soft surface I can sometimes tolerate it, but for the most part I have to stand or be lying down to get any relief from the pain. Needless to say I have been standing at the dinner table (I know, not a very good example of table manners for my kids - especially when I keep telling them to sit down and eat, but you do what you have to do.) Trying to get dinner cleaned up was a total disaster. Caleb was so tired from not getting a long enough nap and was ready for bed, and I was trying to get all the food put away, dishes done, and getting pajamas on everyone. Haylee really helped by getting Caleb's on, but then I spent the next 15 minutes tripping over his clothes, shoes, lotion, etc because he was only content to be in the kitchen with me. Finally getting everything done, while stepping over a crying Caleb, I was relieved to see that it was almost 8 and time to send everyone to bed. I took Caleb and Lucas into their room to put on a movie and had to lay on the floor (on one of those fold out couches) with Caleb (again, not very comfortable being pregnant, especially with my pain.) He was so tired he didn't know what he wanted and it took me about 15 minutes to get him calmed down enough to watch the movie. The girls were great to go downstairs and read until I could get down to tuck them in. Caleb finally fell asleep and I slowly picked myself up off the floor and kissed Lucas good night. He said, "I thought you were going to lay with me too." I told him I would come back and lay with him as soon as I got the girls tucked in. He reminded me that I had said I would do the same thing the night before, but I hadn't come back (guilt!). What he didn't know is that I had come in, but he had already fallen asleep, but I would be back again tonight - what you don't know is that Luke is totally a daddy's boy and I rarely get cuddle time with him, so for him to want to snuggle with me is a real treat. I got the girls tucked in, put my pjs on and went to lay with Luke - and he was asleep again. I felt so sad (guilt, again!!) that I had missed my opportunity (again!). I really need to learn to find the balance between getting my stuff done around the house and spending that precious one-on-one time that will be rarer as my kids grow. It seems I either spend lots of time with the kids and the house goes to pot, or the house looks good and I feel like I have neglected my mother time. I know that there is nothing more important than the time and bonding that I share with my children, especially as they grow and develop their own interests and spend more time away from me. I only hope the I have done my best and fostered our relationships where they really count and my kids will know that they are my priority and I will always do whatever I can to help them.